They say time flies when you’re busy, that’s an understatement for when you have a newborn. Even with the sleep deprivation, it’s hard to believe we welcomed out little girl, Sienna Angie into the world just over 2 weeks ago today. The days have blurred into each other and her continued growth into her own body has been a wonderful sight to behold.
The first few days I simultaneously fell in love with my beautiful bundle whilst also wondering how my poor ‘nips’ (bleeding and cracked) could ever survive this sucking machine. The thought crossed my mind that I wasn’t meant to breastfeed although having been blessed/cursed with a large chest surely they had to become useful at some point other than for guys to ogle!? Then my milk took longer than the standard 48 to 72 hours to come in…. again, was I doing something wrong? Was this a sign my body wasn’t ready to be a mum, so many thoughts swirl through a FTM’s head and no matter how much you read or advice you’re given every journey is different and its own learning experience. To the home visit midwife’s credit her positive pep talk and encouragement did see my milk come in its own time and a much happier baby.
All in all we are pretty lucky with Sienna, she feeds well, isn’t a big crier…other than when her clothes are off and who wouldn’t cry when your clothes are involuntarily removed! I do feel blessed when I look down at her but that’s not to say there isn’t hard days. Poop-splosions, leaking nappies and so far 2 sleepless nights since leaving the hospital have taken a toll (I know it’s only 2 super bad nights a lot of you may say). Last night was probably my worst and the second time I was visited by the black dog (baby blues) who crept up beside me and settled down till the early morning sunlight shone through the front door glass and my body shuddered with relief that soon my husband would be awake. During those long midnight hours I could feel myself growing overly frustrated at my poor daughter, doubt creeping into my mind that I wasn’t cut out for this, tears dropping onto her while she stared back at me wide awake. I think this is probably one of the most important lessons that FTM mums should be coached through but little is mentioned other than people laughing about sleepless nights but at the time its occurring it’s no laughing matter. It’s exhausting, mind numbing and most of all, lonelyL, especially when your like myself who thinks they can do everything on their own and doesn’t want to wake up her husband or ask other people for help.
What have I learnt from this?
- I am not superwomen
- My husband is there to help and I need to let him
- Take a few minutes every day for myself, whether it be a bath, a nap, time outside etc. as a zombie mum won’t help my daughter
- Remind myself that I can do this
- I love my daughter with all my heart and although the black dog may visit on occasions it doesn’t mean I am a bad mum, just that I am human!